Postcards from The End.

Happy June everyone!

So, it's official, Séb and I are those European tourists. We snap photos of everything, mumble amongst each other in French, get excited over little things like surf boards and tackle shops, and when we heard other French speakers on the beach complaining about the sun hiding behind the clouds, we scoffed at them for being such tourists who don't understand beach living! In short, we're Montauk posers. 

I caught Séb trying to be "all down" by non-nonchalantly referring to Montauk as "The End" to the unamused clerk at White's Pharmacy. Unfortunately, his thick French accent gave away the fact that he is not a Long Island native. Shouldn't that be a good thing? Now he knows how us Americans feel in Paris! I have to admit, it's slightly satisfying.

On our way to Cousin Angelo and his wife Josephine's beach house for an evening cook-out where they introduced us to dangerously delish mint iced tea vodka cocktails, we made some pit stops along to say coucou to the other family members who are out here...

Here are some things that caught our eye...

Bikes at Surf Lodge.



Intersection before Ginger and Freddie's.

Sunset at Uncle Claudio's

 Baci Ball at Uncle Leo's.


"The Movie".
This has been making us chuckle all week.
Is it just us?

Washing our hands after our long walk...
...and feeling right at home.


What was going on a year ago today? This!

It's a Small World.



6:17 am
Montauk, New York
 
The sun was rising over the ocean, pouring through the undressed windows in the living room where Séb and I were sleeping on the pull-out coach, and feeling the early morning breeze coming in from the beach. I heard footsteps, the same footsteps that I had been hearing for the past hour but chose to ignore, as I was trying to squeeze in at least another hour to sleep off my wine hangover. The footsteps that had been pacing the living room finally stopped next to the arm rest of the couch that was inches away from my face. Having no choice but to wake up, I pried open my glued-shut eyes to find a little elderly man who resembled a miniature version of my grandfather looking at me. The little man in question was my 91 year old Uncle Leo. 

Uncle Leo is Ginger's grandfather as well as my grandfather's brother, who hate each other and only speak at funerals and weddings. At funerals, thankfully they are pleasant, and at weddings they ignore each other but as the night progresses, a drunken relative forces one to come over to the other to say hello, snaps a photo of them and everyone thinks the vendetta is over. It will never be over, but like the most of the junior members of our family, we've chosen to not take sides hence why I was welcomed at Uncle Leo's beach house. At least I thought I was...

Uncle Leo had been padding in and out of the living room since 5 am, waiting for someone to wake up to entertain him. I know this because my grandfather does the exact same thing, except our version of Uncle Leo makes up songs about coffee and dancing cakes in a Sinatra-esque falsetto, attempting to hure everyone to wake up at ungodly hours.

Out of respect of the fact that he is my great-uncle and I was sleeping in his home, I forced myself awake. "Good Morning, Uncle Leo," I said in a haze, closing one eye in order to focus my double vision. I touched my face and could feel the dried up zit cream flaking off my face, my dehydrated mouth telling me that my lips were tinted that familiar shade of dark red from last night's wine, and my hair tangled up in a knot that had flopped to the side of my head. I was quite a vision. While looking at Uncle Leo, I went to grab Séb to nudge him awake by smashing my fist on to the edge of his pillow that fell flat. No Séb. I looked to my right which confirmed the fact that he was not there, and then looked back at Uncle Leo. 

"Cutie Pie flew the coup, eh?" Uncle Leo said with wide eyes as I sat up in the empty bed. "No more cutie pie!" he declared louder in his thick Italian accent that is similar to my grandfather's, only his has an essence of sandpaper from the three extra years he has on him. Knowing well that Séb or rather, "cutie pie" didn't choose his birthday week in Montauk to end things with me, or worse, that Uncle Leo had killed him, I played along with his six am suspicions, and I feigned shock that I had been dumped by dramatically throwing the covers of my head. "If he leaves, I'm always here," Uncle Leo offered. Before I could remind him that we were related, a smiling Séb walked in from the beach with his camera around his neck. "Cutie pie return," Uncle Leo said looking at Séb, and then in slow motion turning to look at me, "You must do something right."

Séb walked over to Uncle Leo and shyly greeted him, addressing him as sir, and offered to make him coffee. While the two fumbled around in the kitchen, preparing breakfast, I sneaked off to the bathroom to brush my embarrassing Barolo stained teeth, comb out my knotted beach hair, and to moisturize my dry, red skin. Emerging from the bathroom, a less horrifying version of myself, I found Uncle Leo and Séb pouring espresso in three large mugs filled with steamed milk. We put out some cookies and sat at his big oak dining room table with the hot sun bleeding through the skylights on to the left side of my face. He looked at Séb with his cloudy blue eyes, the same color as my grandfather's, and informed him that coffee is very important in Europe. Out of politeness, Séb didn't respond in his own thick European accent that he was well aware of this, and just nodded as if this was a new fact. Uncle Leo then leaned over and began to sing a song about coffee in Italian, only looking at Séb. This lasted a good uncomfortable minute and a half.

Uncle Leo entertained us with stories about how he sent Michelle Obama a handwritten letter, telling her she can come over anytime to his garden and pick his wild radicchio. Michelle responded with a warm letter declining his offer, explaining that her busy schedule wouldn't allow her to make a pilgrimage to his garden in Queens to pick his wild radicchio. Uncle Leo also sent a letter to Michelle's husband, and made it clear that it was a "different kind of letter" packed with suggestions on how to lower America's debt by simply eradicating life support for patients relying on ventilators for more than a year in the hospital. It wasn't so much his suggestion that made it shocking, but rather his wording. "You pull plug, you walk away, you say I no do it, problem solved." 

He did not receive a response from President Obama. 

He then launched into stories of his childhood in Italy, which led to him telling us the history of the family. I assumed it was for the benefit of Séb that he was explaining who each member of the family was, but it wasn't until he mentioned that my grandfather, "the no-good knucklehead who ruined the family" and remembering from the night before that he kept wanting me to kiss him was when it occurred to me...

...Uncle Leo had no idea that I was his niece. In French, Séb pleaded with me not to tell him in fear that we would get kicked out, but how could I not? It was bound to come up at some point this week, and I didn't want to deepen the vendetta by withholding information, and that his estranged brother's granddaughter and French boyfriend were squatting at his beach house.

"Uncle Leo!" I said, making sure he could hear me. In shock from my raised voice he swiftly turned to me, "Hey!" he responded. "I'm related to you," I said slowly and clearly. "You are?" Uncle Leo, who now had my attention and set down his coffee mug. "What's the connection?" he asked. I felt Séb's fear about what would happen next. I forget how Italian families can come across as scary beasts to the rest of the world. "I'm Antonio's granddaughter," I informed him. Uncle Leo perked up at the sound of his name. "Antonio? My brother?" he asked, looking at me in confusion, "You know my brother?" I then gently leaned over, and placed my hand on the table to express that I meant no harm, and informed him that Antonio is my grandfather. He looked at me, looked straight ahead through the sliding doors out onto the beach, looked at Séb, and then back at me, "What a small world!" he announced with his hands up in the air. Uncle Leo let the information come and then go, and continued on to a story about how he bought the beach house because of the large kitchen, and when he once drove through a mound of hay on his Vespa in Italy.

It's a small world? Okay, we can accept that, moving on. We later learned that before I let the cat out of the bag on who I was, Uncle Leo thought that Séb and I were friends of Ginger that we had just met on the beach, and by coincidence, we all happened to be related. Small world!

Séb and I absolutely I adored our morning with Uncle Leo, regardless of the fact that he had no idea who we were, and expressed his distaste for my grandfather. Perhaps I should feel more passionate about it, but it's not my fight to fight, and know better to offer my opinion, especially when it comes to siblings where feuds can date as far back to the sandbox. Uncle Leo is someone that I see about once a year, this year with the weddings and unfortunate tragedies, it's been more than usual, and I truly appreciate every encounter. I'm glad that Séb experienced how special, crazy and quirky he is. Little by little we are collecting and creating these memories, and creating our own small world. 

What was going on a year ago today? This

How Catty!



I'll start this post off with wishing a very special Joyeux Anniversaire to Sébastien! We had a lovely birthday celebration weekend filled with champagne, cupcakes from Williston Park's Cupcake Contessa, friends and family, a homemade dinner prepared by me which consisted of pre-made appetizers from the supermarket (my gift was to not cook), and an extra special surprise to him from me which I'll share with you in a bit. 

Per usual, an element of drama managed to creep in. The weekend was absolutely perfect until...


...I found THIS in his drawer.
 A homemade red-light district inspired card by another woman who  addresses my boyfriend as sir. I guess nothing or no one is 100%..
I'm so disappointed...

Before I let myself jump to conclusions, and start the crisis of Summer 2012, let's just see who it's from...

Who could it be? Who could it be?



Quelle Salope! I'm being Soon Yi'd by my cat Charlotte. As it turns out, the sneaky little minx sent this over to him last week to be the first to wish him a happy birthday! I not only gave this Jezebel a happy home, but rescued her from her previous owners that posted in their Craigslist ad that if someone didn't adopt her that day, they would dump her at the Nathan's Hot Dog Parking lot on Old Country Road and drive away. 

This is the thanks I get! A boudoir photo of her peeking out from under a little blanket surrounded by farfalle pasta, and signed it Charlotte "Forever", an obvious Serge Gainsbourg reference that she knew Séb would appreciate. I knew something was up when she sat on his suitcase looking at him longingly before he left for Paris last April, or how she sunbathes spread eagle in the window letting the sun reflect off of her rich mink colored highlights whenever he is in my mother's kitchen. I better watch out, she's good, and she's after my man.

Despite the betrayal from my furry femme fatale, we enjoyed Séb's birthday celebration that happened to get even more festive, if you can believe it. While we were already planning on going to New York this week, I surprised him with a Montauk getaway where it's now 90 degrees, sunny, blue skies, and la pièce de la résistance is that we're staying with the other half of my crazy Italian family where the senior members from that side and our side haven't spoken since the vendetta of '79. I'm not even joking...

It's about to get interesting in this little beach town...

What was going on a year ago today? This!

Postcards from the Promenade Plantée.


Here goes another round of things in Paris that exist that I've never heard of, even after three years of living here! I love this game. No, not really, it makes me wonder what the hell I have been doing here these past few years. To backtrack a bit, my gym membership recently expired (Antoine!) and if I'm going to continue with my strict diet of triple cream cheeses, saucisson and copious amounts of wine that I have grown accustomed to, I'm going to have to move my bottom. My body was just not built to stuff my face, sit around and hope that lower body doesn't realize the thousands of calories that have been consumed. So unfair.

Since I have to wait until the fall to renew my gym membership, my only option is to go running; my least favorite form of exercise in Paris. On top of being an ugly runner who huffs, buffs and waddles down the "rue", I also don't have cute and fit official workout gear. I wear old Bat Mitzfah party favor t-shirts from the 90s and too-tight yoga pants that I need to pull up every few minutes as my ass pours out of them. Not a pretty sight. How is a girl to stay fit and fab in a country that celebrates food?

Low and behold a solution presented itself, or rather Séb produced one as I was complaining that my "fat shorts" from last summer are still too tight. The Promenade Plantée! What is this place?! You must be chuckling because apparently this is where everyone in Paris secretly goes running, and that this is hardly a new discovery, but to me, it is. I can be an oblivious faux-risienne sometimes.

Similar to the Highline in Manhattan, Paris offers their version of an abandoned elevated viaduct that runs along Avenue Daumesnil in the 12th. Filled with flowers, greenery, light vandalism (hey, it's Paris!), a well paved road, other joggers who are working on their own fitness and are hardly concerned about my tacky attire, and a notable homeless man stalking a group of Asian girls calling them Tokyo, who then in perfect French responded that they were in fact not from Japan. The Promenade Plantée is the perfect solution for staying trim this summer, above and off the streets. 

Here are some things that caught my eye on my jog turned power waddle...

Don't mind if I do...

 Baise la Police. 
Just precious.
 
Warm heart, cold lyric...
Dramz. 

...and clearly the reason I was beckoned to this place.
What I would give to live in this building. 
Just to see my mother's face as we approached my new apartment located between the loin and butt cheek of an Adonis.
A girl can dream, right?

Bon week-end à tous!

What was going on a year ago today? This!

Is Sharing Caring?


Illustration by Cécile Mancion

Since I have been staying with Séb during my transition of finding a new home, and sorting out my paper work, we've been getting a taste of what domestic life would be like together. I forgot what it's like to live with a man, and am thankful that every night is not date night. I'm free to do my nerdy single girl things like watching bad American television in the other room with while I instant message Kitty who is six hours behind in New York at work. If I really wanted to go all out, I'd whip up one of my homemade masks but we're not at sugar scrub egg white status yet. Maybe in another year.

Last night, wanting in on some of my American bliss, Séb requested to watch an episode the Golden Girls, to see what all the fuss was about. Yes, I do make a fuss about it. Feeling festive by his interest in my customs, I poured ourselves two large glasses of rosé, filled up a bowl of terrible French tortilla chips, lit the sparkling mint candles that Ginger gave us in April, cracked open the windows to let in the spring air, and launched into season three of my four my favorite old ladies. I was so excited. If this went well, the opportunities would be endless! We could move onto Hot in Cleveland, Chelsea Lately or even Housewives New Jersey. I'm fanning myself from how worked up I'm getting.

Nestled on his couch, we started an episode that I've seen over a thousand times, but focused a bit more than usual in order to be prepared for potential translation questions, as my illegal GG download never gives me the option of French subtitles. The episode lead the girls to a supermarket, and Séb who pays attention to detail, made a comment about the clerk's 80s haircut. I agreed that his haircut was a bit dated, but before I could finish my sentence, I took another look at the guy. What had I seen him in before? He looked so familiar. I love figuring out the who's who, the who's been in what, and who's become who when watching old shows. Like when we discovered George Clooney was the undercover cop in the  stake out episode...so satisfying. 

The clerk on the other hand, seemed more familiar than George, perhaps someone I have met, and then it hit me. I let out a very noticeable gasp. How could I have completely forgotten about this? I guess somewhere between leaving LA, moving to Brooklyn, changing jobs, learning French, moving to Paris, planning a wedding and then not planning a wedding, and everything else that has happened since 2003, it somehow slipped my mind that I've more than just seen this guy before, I had carnal knowledge of him. If I didn't feel old and crusty before, seeing a guy I slept with in a rerun of the Golden Girls certainly seals the deal.

Combing through my memory, going back over ten years, I remembered a conversation we had over dinner at The Spanish Kitchen on La Cienega where he had told me that he was in an episode of the Golden Girls, but I swear I thought he was kidding! How could I not?! What guy in his 20s could possibly be in an episode of the Golden Girls?!

In my muted hysteria, and not wanting Séb to think that his girlfriend was a total whore, I quietly grabbed my laptop to confirm that it was in fact him. His updated IMDB page revealed that he wasn't 29 like he had told me at the time, but rather he was 39, which is just living proof that dating in LA is a nightmare. On top of his GG gig as "Annoyed Clerk", there was also an episode of House that I actually once saw with MF, who would have had a heart attack had he knew, and an episode of The Shield that I watched with my brother, who would be less than thrilled thinking about his sister with this dude. Hey, at least the guy is still working. Good for him. 

Being pulled out of my self-inflicted implosion by the intense stare of Séb, who clearly wanted to know what the hell I was doing, brought up an internal debate. Do I tell him about the Golden Girls guy? How much do you share with your partner about your past? Things like the number of guys you've been with, a history of any recreational drug use, if you've ever slept with an extra on an 80s sitcom, if you've ever cheated on your taxes. How much is too much information? Me, I'm honest to a fault where in the past, offering too much information has led to misunderstandings that led to the demise of the relationship. Where do you draw the line between over-sharing and being shady and secretive?

I'm still trying to find that healthy balance. 

What was going on a year ago today? This!

C'est Quoi Ce Bordel!?

What's a boyfriend to do when his girlfriend is celebrating her one year mark of being over her ex-fiancé? Does he celebrate it too? Does he even acknowledge it? Does he take her out for a fancy shmancy dinner? I admit the circumstance was shall I say, a bit unique. 

Séb being the amazing person that he is, did what any perfect boyfriend would do; took his broad out for drinks and got her liquored up. He didn't just take her anywhere, but to a bar/restaurant that was practically designed for her. 

This was a magical place where...

...complimentary homemade chips, tzatziki sauce, 
and water with floating fresh cucumbers, 
are brought to the table after ordering.
 Said bar has happy hour of 7 euros cocktails, instead of 15.
15 euros for a drink!? That's outrageous, Ella!
I agree, I agree, but when....

...the cocktails are infused with vanilla bean, spices, 
and fresh fruit, are strong enough to have you dancing on the table after just one, and come in these vintage glasses, it's worth it.


What about the ambiance? 
Great question. Thank you for asking.
If the giraffe table cloths, leopard print banquettes and framed photos of Marilyn weren't enough,
Brigitte Bardot, Françoise Hardy and France Gall were playing as if we time warped back to Paris in the 60's. 
The owner, who was in head-to-toe leopard print, 
and fashioned a fire engine red bouffant might still think we are in the 60's.
My kind of gal.

So it's about to get more intense in here...
Are you ready?
 
 The decor.
Like for real.
This is what my thought process must look like.

et voilà!
A little bit gaudy? Yes.
A little bit bordel? Totally.
A lot amazing? YES. 
C'est tellement moi!

Le Temple is now the official bar of Ella Coquine. I've been wanting to come here for over two years, but MF never wanted to sit in a room with feather boas draped over gold framed photos of Marilyn, and sit on over stuffed leopard print couches. Tant pis pour lui! I guess it takes a real man to do that! Kudos to Séb for reading my mind, toughing it out, and picking the absolute perfect place to celebrate my blogaversary!

If you can handle the kitch, Happy Hour is from 15h to 20h, 7 days a week. You know where I'll be this summer. Cheers!

Le Temple
87, rue Turbigo
Le Marais (of course)

What was going on a year ago today? This!

A Doctor Says What?



I'm going to start this post off with saying that I am so going to regret putting in some of these words that I'm going to find in the search keyword section of my blog stats tomorrow. Before launching into the madness, here's a little back story, especially for those of you who are just hoping aboard Ship Coquine. Ahoy.

As previously mentioned, I went to my ill nana doctor in New York and in Paris early this spring. We all know that the difference between healthcare in France and in America is night and day. I try to avoid falling into the temptation of boasting that one country does something better than the other, because both countries operate as two completely different machines. Unfortunately, having the transcontinental appointments almost back to back, the glaring difference could not be ignored.

In Paris, I made the appointment the day of, arrived at the doctor's apartment/office where he saw me within fifteen minutes. The appointment cost 35 euros which was reimbursed, and my medication cost all of three euros. All in all, a lovely, inexpensive experience, even if we did have an uncomfortable misunderstanding where I thought the doctor was asking me if I was a homosexual when he asked questions about rapport sexuel

In Manhattan, because I had some operations done where there were talks about a possible hysterectomy, I wanted a follow-up to the appointment in France, and to have my files transferred overseas. Séb and I waited almost two hours in the waiting room, and because I hadn't been to the office in almost three years (shame on me!), my files were in the archives in an office somewhere below 14th Street, and I had to refill out all of my paper work. The appointment itself was fairly innocuous, my doctor who I swear looks just like M.I.A was friendly enough, well for her at least and I was out of there within thirty minutes. This appointment, because it's a private practice cost 235 dollars...not to be reimbursed. Ouch.

It had been about a month since the test results came in and I was starting to get nervous. To ensure that I was contacted, I made painstaking efforts to give them as much information as possible. On top of my address and cell phone number, I gave them Séb's, his address, my mom's address, cell phone and land line, and need be, my Facebook fan page. A month had passed, no news. The only news that I was receiving was more bills. On top of paying the 235, I received two bills from "the lab" that totaled 725 dollars. Holy shit. I can't afford to be an American anymore.

Against the insistence of my mom and Séb, I didn't call to follow up because I was terrified by what I was going to hear. It's like that Seinfeld episode where Costanza stands by his conviction that something always goes wrong when he goes to the doctor. He claims that he's fine all year long, he goes to doctor and bam! suddenly you're dying. That's me. Sometimes I'd rather not know and started going by my grandmother's belief that no news is good news. I mean if there was something really wrong, they'd go out of their way to contact me, right? ...right?

Last week the letter finally arrived at my mom's house, and wanting to open and read it myself, I had her send it to France. What was a couple of more days at this point? It arrived at Séb's house on my magical Day 365, and he handed it to me as I was sipping on a glass of bubbly.

This is what a 960 dollar doctors appointment in the United States gets you: 

May 17th, 2012

Ella Coquine
Address in Paris 

Town on Long Island, NJ

Dear Ella, 


I am pleased to inform you that the results of your recent PAP smear, HPV test, and STD testing for HIV, Chlamydia and Gonorrhea.
If you have any questions, please contact us.

Sincerely,

Your Doctor, who clearly did not proofread this.

Only me, I swear...

First of all, combining Paris, Long Island and New Jersey all in one address? That's just wrong. I'm sure somewhere in Paris, a Parisian lost their wings. Good thing the address on the actual envelope was accurate, otherwise who knows where it would have ended up. And second, do I have any questions? Yes! What the brouhaha are the results!?!? Although it is implied with the "I'm pleased to inform you" bit that my tests came out negative, but a results letter isn't exactly a forum to be cavalier. Good grief!

I called the doctor who apologized profusely for the erroneous letter, confirmed that I was healthy and that no further operations would be necessary, and managed to squeeze in one more lecture on how I have to stay on top of this, especially as I enter my 30s. Lesson learned. I'm so grateful that I have my health, you have no idea, and I will never wait three years to go to the lady part's doctor ever again. How stupid was I? 

Between this, paying my American taxes, paying off and cutting up my last credit card, I feel like I'm slowly closing up open ends in the States and it's nothing but liberating. Keeping one toe in America is so 2011 and I'm ready to plant both feet in French soil - for good.

Now for the scary part....since a hysterectomy is no longer necessary, this means that having children may be an option for me one day. 

I need a cocktail.  

Stat.

What was going on a year ago today? This!